Subtle Weapons:
Friendly Handling of a Non-Threatening Bully

It's not always in your best interest to demolish a bully, especially if you're applying these techniques in your personal life.

This page shows you how to neutralize a bully without damaging your long-term relationship.

Seek to understand a bully

I'm sorry you're upset. I can understand how you might see it that way. Can you help me understand why this is so important to you? Can you help me understand why you are so upset? How did you arrive at that conclusion? Why are you so upset over this?

Ignore the bullying

Alternative 1: Act as if he didn't say anything, then ask a friendly question unrelated to the bullying Alternative 2: Thank him for his comments but don't respond (even if he asked you a question) Alternative 3: Say "Yes, yes, I understand" while he is talking, then change the subject when he is done Alternative 4: Respond with a brief question or comment, then change the subject or leave: I don't think so I don't believe you. Where did you get that idea? That's an interesting perspective. Is that so? Not in a thousand years. Oh, give me a break. Thanks for the input. Thanks for being so honest with me. Maybe your expectations of me were too high. What did you say?(wait for answer) Oh, that's what I thought you said. Alternative 5: Make a direct contradiction, then change the subject or leave: No, I never believed that. No, that's ridiculous. No, that's not true. Alternative 6: Thank him and end the conversation: Thanks for your input. I'm going back to work now.

Give a friendly speech

1. Show the bully that you understand his pain. I can understand why you're upset. (Then explain why you think he is upset.) 2. Empathize with the bully's pain. You don't deserve this.(Then explain why he doesn't deserve it.) 3. State your intention to help the bully. I want to help you with this. 4. Tell him your specific plan for helping him and give him some alternatives to choose from I'm going to try to help you. Here's what I'm going to do___. Would you rather do ___ or ___? 5. Ask him what he would like to do. What do you think we should do? 6. If he ignores your position or alternatives, repeat your intentions and his alternatives. That let him know you aren't going to be bullied. Look, I'll help you if I can, but you need to either ___ or ____. I'm not going to ___! 7. If you can't get him to choose from your suggestions, back off and end the conversation. Why don't you think about it, then let me know what you want to do.

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