A Bully is the Center
of His Own Universe

What truly matters to a bully?

His own ambitions. He is obsessed with dominating those around him, with being the center of attention. He wants everything to revolve around him.

Why is a bully so self-absorbed and aggressive?

He lacks control of his impulses. He has no internal brakes. He grew up learning that pleasure comes through impulsiveness and aggression, and people will give him what he wants when he uses the tools of fear, guilt and intimidation. He learned how to push the emotional hot buttons of people he considers weak and inferior.

Does he care about other people?

Only to the extent they can gratify his ego and help him succeed. He does not have healthy relationships of mutual respect.

But why does he seem so concerned about people close to him?

Because he feels a sense of ownership and possession for people he controls. But in reality, he only cares about how you reflect on his own position and power, and his affection is conditional upon whether you continue to feed his ego.

Why is he so anxious to control the people he "owns"?

He never wants to look ineffective and powerless. In his thinking, if he can't control the people close to him, upper management won't view him as a strong leader. So he becomes angry and frustrated when you threaten his control.

Why is he so hot-and-cold in how he treats the people he "owns"?

His possessiveness leads to pride of ownership. When one of his possessions does something right, it gratifies his ego. But when he believes someone has made him look bad, he gets angry. And if he feels betrayed, he becomes jealous and retaliates.

But doesn't he have normal relationships with others?

No, not even in his personal life. His relationships are defined by the power and control he has over others. Bottom line: he treats people like things, and he never respects your rights as a fellow human being.

How does he develop such lasting relationships?

He is an expert at manipulating people. He knows how to exude charm and confidence to attract those who are naïve and emotionally sensitive. He knows how to charm you with attention and support, and entice you with promises of future rewards. He knows how to gain power over you and keep it.

Doesn't he feel bad about hurting and exploiting others?

No. He has no respect for people who are emotionally weak and vulnerable, so he doesn't mind exploiting them. Alternatively, he may believe that his superior intellect and wisdom justifies his aggressively controlling other people. As the center of his own universe, he is very good at rationalizing his behaviors so that he feels honorable, confident and just a little bit heroic.

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